We have the Silent Generation, the Baby Boomers, Generation X and the Millennials all active in the process of making decisions for today’s healthcare needs and coverage. As a result, making decisions related to medical care and treatment can become very confusing and difficult to navigate, particularly if you are a caregiver. In the words of Stealers Wheel, if you find yourself “trying to make some sense of it all, but can see that it makes no sense at all” and feeling like there are “clowns to the left of you, and jokers to the right, then here we are, stuck in the middle with you.”
What is the sandwich generation?
Loosely defined, the sandwich generation is a generation of people (usually in their 30s or 40s) who care for their aging parents while supporting their own children. It is estimated that one in every eight Americans aged 40 -60 are raising children in addition to caring for a parent. This number is ever growing, as the number of Americans aged 65 and older will double to over 70 million by the year 2030.
What are the biggest challenges they face?
The balancing act is likely the single most challenging part of being in the sandwich generation. How does one keep a thriving career, the rearing of children, a happy marriage and the caring of a senior all in check when there are only 24 hours in a day and you are already exhausted? Many caregivers begin to feel excessive amounts of guilt when they let one area go to deal with another. This can cause a great deal of relationship strain in all areas of one’s life and leave the caregiver feeling even worse about the job they are doing and the choices they have made. Carol Abaya, an expert on aging and elder/parent care issues, states, “One of the challenges to being a sandwich generationer is to understand the feelings of aging parents and to deal with them in a way that the dignity of the older person is preserved.” Dealing with these issues can lead to mental and physical exhaustion, frustration, anxiety and depression, so it is important to develop a strategy to keep yourself in good physical and mental health so you can deal with the stressors.
What are the best coping strategies?
Let me start by saying, no one can do it alone. You’ve heard the phrase, it takes a village. This is absolutely true for this generation. Reaching out to family, friends, church members and any other person you come into contact with can make the difference between maintaining your sanity and total burn out. The truth is you don’t know whether the situation is going to continue for a month or 10 years, so you need to look at the practicality and sustainability of your current situation and figure out what changes need to be made. If you take one piece of advice, let it be this. Put your own health into the equation along with everybody else’s. As they say on the pre-flight announcements, put your oxygen mask on first before helping others around you. You are of no use to anybody – and the whole system collapses – if you become ill. Which leads me to share another tip. Do not become so involved that you become indispensable. Seek out healthcare advice and resources to aide you in your quest for help with physical care, financial assistance and legal advice so that if you have to step away, things can still run without you. All parties need to be on board in order for things not to become dependent solely one person, as that can be a recipe for breakdown.
Secondly, try to discuss all potential problems and decisions as early as possible before health issues become acute. As many caregivers have found, trying to persuade an elderly relative to accept decisions that may be best for them can be challenging when your loved one is determined to remain independent, despite the fact that they are unsafe to do so. This often results in family friction, more stress and increased financial burden for all involved if decisions are not set in stone prior to becoming ill. Initiate conversations related to living situations, long-term care insurance, healthcare and end of life choices, and who will make legal, medical and financial decisions when they are no longer able to handle it themselves. These topics can be sticky to deal with, but using an elder attorney will help you avoid major problems down the road. It is important to remember to treat your loved one the way you would want to be treated. After all, you are teaching your children how to treat you – show them them how to be respectful and include your senior loved ones in the decision-making process. During this period, it is important to separate your financial savings, from the needs of your children and our parents. Seek the advice of a financial planner to advise you on how best to address the financial needs of your loved ones, while keeping your own retirement plans in check.
In addition, you may also want to speak with your employer about your situation. Letting your boss and your company know about the demands that you are experiencing may result in increased flexibility in your work/life balance. For example, they may allow you to work from home a couple days a week, or take extended lunch breaks in order to attend doctor’s appointments, or perhaps even adjust your hours or change days of the week you go into the office in order to accommodate schedules of other caregivers or family members who may be able to share the responsibility of caring for your loved ones. It is also becoming more common for employers to offer brief periods of leave so you can attend to unexpected family matters. Your employer likely has an Employee Assistance Program (EAP) that may be able to help you access resources or provide you with support.
Lastly, take care of number one . . . YOU! Being under a tremendous amount of stress can result in a multitude of physical and emotional health problems. It is essential to exercise regularly, eat healthy, and allow time for yourself. Although you may not have time for as many extracurricular activities as before, taking just a few hours each week can help with your mental state as well as your physical state. For tips on how to avoid caregiver burnout, click here. Time for yourself, can be as simple as listening to your favorite music, reading good book, meditating or even just lighting a candle and closing your eyes. For those caught in the sandwich generation, it is critical to keep your marriage as a priority, so be sure to schedule weekly activities for just you and your spouse to enjoy and focus on your time spent together. And never underestimate the power of laughter as a stress reliever. Watching a comedy show, finding humor in the everyday or spending time with your hilarious friends can go a long way towards relieving tense muscles, improving your emotional health and strengthening your immune cells. Laughter produces endorphins that can promote an overall sense of well being and can even improve your resistance to disease. In the end, you must remember that you are the most qualified person for taking care of yourself. By helping yourself stay strong and healthy, you are ultimately helping your family, children and parents by remaining available and capable for the challenges that arise from being wrapped up in the sandwich generation.
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