Have you ever heard words that make you feel like you want to do the exact opposite of what they are telling you? Since we were kids we’ve heard, “don’t jump on the bed”, “don’t hang out with that crowd”, “I won’t be mad just tell me the truth”, and many others. And what do we do? Jump on the bed, hang out with that crowd and yes, we lie so we don’t get in trouble. While these behaviors are not necessarily done with malicious intent, they do tend to evoke an opposite reaction than the intent of those who are saying them. Well, as an adult, the same can also be true, and one of the most common phrases that seems to evoke the complete opposite reaction is when someone tells us to “Calm Down!” or “Relax!” We immediately become engulfed in more anger than we were before those words were uttered. We know that 99% of the time these phrases don’t work. So, what should we do if we find ourselves being told to “cool it”? And how can we help someone else who is clearly upset and still avoid using these trigger words?
Why do these words make us so enraged?
In order to understand what we should do to help others who are upset, it often behooves us to look internally at what we would want if we were the one who was upset. Clinical psychologist, Dr. Amanda Tadrous, states that the the reason phrases like ‘calm down’ have such ill effect on us, is that it dismisses our feelings and invalidates our emotions as if to say that we are getting worked up over nothing. “Such statements lead us to feel that we are not being listened to or taken seriously.” If we have a traumatic experience, we are more likely to tap into negative emotions, making it difficult to deliver your message without sounding angry or upset. When this happens and someone advises you to ‘calm down’ or ‘relax’, try explaining to the person that use of these words makes you feel like you are being dismissed and that they actually make you feel worse. If necessary, you may decide to excuse yourself from the situation until you are better able to effectively manage your emotions and deal with the conflict once your emotions have returned to baseline or close to it.
So how do we return to baseline?
It may help us to know that the chemical which triggers the initial bout of the stress hormone is burnt up in 90 seconds. Therefore, after this period you are choosing to remain angry and produce more stress hormones. You can blame someone else for the first 90 seconds of your anger, but after that the choice is solely yours. Continuing to think angry thoughts, such as, how dare you say that? or who do you think you are? , will only trigger the brain to produce more stress hormone.
Therefore, in order to manage our emotions and lead us back to our usual calm and collected selves, it is important to take some steps that put us back in control. Like with many other things, admitting and identifying the problem is the first step. If we can name the emotion and the trigger, we can begin to pinpoint why and what has set us off in the first place. Although this seems like it would be obvious, sometimes the instances that set us off have less to do with the actual words said and more about the sentiment behind them. If these words were uttered by a person who has managed to make us feel inferior or degraded, then it isn’t the actual situation or phrase that angers us, but the resentment towards allowing someone else to make us feel a certain way.
Relaxing on command is physiologically impossible if “the body is already too acutely stressed to turn it around,” says Wendy Mendes, a professor of emotion at the University of California, San Francisco, and a researcher on stress. While the body responds rapidly to stress, returning to a relaxed state can take 20 to 60 minutes, she says. To quicken your ability to gather yourself and feel back in control, use distraction to create the opposite feeling, such as looking at pictures on your phone of happy times or re-read personal messages that make you laugh or smile. Take a moment to yourself and use breathing techniques and counting to help lower your blood pressure and center yourself. Use your inner voice to talk yourself down and be mindful of your volume and tone when communicating with others about your current mindset. If you are not able to collect your emotions and return to your calmer self, then it’s perfectly okay to step away from the conversation and request to have it at a later date. If you are someone who suffers from high levels of stress or anxiety or feel like you are easily triggered, talk with your doctor about your options for medication or CBD to help lower your stress levels.
What should I do if I encounter someone else who is visibly upset?
If you happen to see someone who is getting worked up or obviously stressed, start by acknowledging their feelings. Show empathy and ask open ended questions to give them a chance to open up and express themselves. Dr. Tadrous recommends validating the person’s emotions by showing an interest in what they are saying. Avoid making judgements and assumptions, and ask them if there is anything you can do that would help. Many times, just venting is enough to calm them down.
Dr. Susan Bernstein, a mind-body (somatic) psychologist, implements what she calls the See & Say Strategies for effectively helping those who are visibly upset.
1. Practice good self care
Ensure that before you approach an upset person that you do some self care to ensure that you calm yourself. Take a few long, slow deep breaths and let them out slowly to help relax yourself. Pause for a moment and recite positive affirmations like, “I trust myself. I can handle whatever arises in this situation.”
2. Invite the other person to talk
Most people just want to be heard, so allow them to tell their story and get out their frustrations. Giving someone permission to express their feelings helps to remove the stigma and shame associated with getting angle and helps to build a bond of trust between you. Say something like, “Seems like you need to talk. I’m all ears.“
3. Listen
Stay in the moment and pay attention to their needs, which may be unspoken. That’s where the pain is. Allow the person to speak, even if it upsets you, without interruption. Keep breathing and let them release all of their chaotic energy. Only after the big storm of emotion has passed will you be able to speak to them on a rational level.
4. See if there’s more emotion
Wait for the pause, and when you think the person is done speaking, say in a neutral tone, “I hear you and I’m right here with you.” Then immediately follow with, “Anything else?” Let them get it all out.
5. Check to see if they are ready to move froward
Wait until you see a decrease in emotion. When a person is more at ease, you may see a sigh, yawn, less movement, or they may even state that they are feeling better. At this point, you should consult with the person about the next steps. Say something like, “When would you like to start looking into how to address the situation?” If the person has returned to a logical state, they may decide to address things right away, while others may want to take a longer break to compose themselves before having the next conversation. Either is acceptable.
Essentially, we just need to remember that we all want to be heard, have our feelings validated and feel like we matter. Empathy can go a long way towards easing the pain of someone else’s turmoil, including our own. Breathe deeply, think openly and take control of your reactions. This isn’t always easy and will take some practice, but will be well worth the effort. If you need more strategies on how to effectively manage emotions in your workplace or learn how to cope with the mental changes that accompany your heightened emotional state, then schedule an appointment with us today and get back in control tomorrow.
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